i just got back from a pretty good late-night run.  i know, i know... women should not run alone this late at night.  in a way, i do not care.  running in the daytime is not an option for me because of my burns.  running at night makes me feel better because i feel like no one can see me or my body or my burns or face or anything, no one can see how sad i am. 

they say exercising releases endorphins, amongst other hormones, that better your mood.  is it strange then that after my run, i feel sadder?  it's a phenomenon that i am not entirely sure how to interpret.  sometimes i wonder if it stems from my constant loneliness.  i have a wonderful boyfriend, but he is 1000 miles away.  needless to say, it is difficult to be so far away from him all the time.  i have perhaps a handful of friends, but i do not really see them often or go out with them.  my roommate, and also best friend, has a life and relationship of his own.  my other roommate, who is a subletter and is (thankfully) moving out mid-june, makes me completely uncomfortable in my apartment to the point where i have considered moving out until he leaves.  after such a late-night run, and any other errand or outing that i go to, i always come home alone.  and that bothers me.

i am one of those people that is simply unhappy being alone.  i hate thinking about when i get old, not because i do not want to age, but because i fear that i will be entirely alone.  xanga friends are wonderful, but i crave physical and verbal interaction.  i crave to feel like someone cares for me as a friend.  i don't feel like i have that in my life right now.

is it strange that i feel this way post-run?  i don't know how to interpret my mixed emotions.

today, the biology department at my university held their annual plant sale fundraiser.  i bought an aloe vera, a geranium, a devil's ivy hanging basket, and a banana tree!  i am mostly excited about the banana tree.  it is still a baby, but will most likely outgrow the pot it came with in about two weeks.  care for it is pretty easy other than the winter months when you have to bring it inside.  this simple purchasing of plants has made me really happy, i like the feeling of adding life to my apartment.  it feels a little more mine again.  they are holding it again tomorrow and i was considering buying some herbs since they are selling them at only a dollar each!

i am now the proud owner of a banana tree.  let the adventures begin.

i have so much trouble staying positive.  i am tempted to delete every thin female friend on my facebook but that wouldn't be mature.  i really hurt myself when i look in the mirror and am dissatisfied.  i have no choice but to accept how i look, this is the body that i will have for the rest of my life.  what i don't understand is why i just can't do that.  my mind resists acceptance and confidence, every time i try to convince myself to accept my body i become more ashamed of how i really do feel about it.  i wish that i wasn't so unhappy with the way i look, and i wish i would stop wishing for a change instead of actually doing something about it.  this whole issue makes me feel so immature and embarrassed, like i am still in high school or something.  i worry that i will be this way all of my life because of my resistance to improving.  i long for the day that i look at my reflection and am happy with it.